Joys of Mass Transit, Part 35

Paris, je t'aime. No matter what. And after a fantastic weekend and a truly superb (if insanely cold-- 33 damn degrees) Sunday in which I walked along the Seine with a dear friend and went to a lovely Doisneau exhibit followed by a movie that made me cry buckets, I had reached the point of thinking that I am a fool for choosing to leave this country.

And then, dear Paris, you took one for the team by reminding me of everything that I hate about you. Here's how the rest of my day went:

4:15-- I take the Métro from Les Halles.

4:35-- Arrive at Gare Montparnasse. My train doesn't leave until 5:05, so I have time to grab a giant hot chocolate for the road!

4:45-- My train doesn't appear on the departure board. Why isn't my train on the board? Okay, usually it's on quai 1-9, so I'll just breeze by and see...

4:48-- DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT. "For reasons of a social movement in Rennes, risk of perturbation on the axis serving Rennes Brest Nantes Le Mans..." GAH!

4:49-- Oh, so that's why there's this huge long line at the information desk. Guess I'd better step to the end.

4:50-- Random woman stomps past yelling, "I am SICK TO DEATH of these DAMN CIVIL SERVANTS and their DAMN STRIKES."

4:55-- A girl with a nose ring is irritably correcting her father, "It's not a strike, it's a social movement."

5:00-- I'm next in line. The lady in front of me is venting all her frustration on the girl behind the desk, and the girl in response says, "Hey lady, I'm not on strike here. You think I'm enjoying this?"

5:02-- Yes indeedy, my train has been cancelled. I can take the 5:50 train to some city I've never heard of. I hang around the freezing cold station with my finger up my nose for the next half hour.

5:40-- The departure board flips and Quai 8 is revealed. A mad dash ensues, as half the passengers on this train don't have seats.

5:45-- By knocking down some kids and old ladies, I'm able to hurl myself into one of the jump seats at the end of a car.

5:50-- The train isn't leaving yet. People are packed in like sardines. The man next to me has his elbow in my temple.

5:55-- Why isn't the train leaving?

6:00-- Ladies and gentlemen, there's a problem with the... something something... and we have to... something. We're summoning a mechanic and should have the problem resolved soon.

6:08-- They're summoning this mechanic from Norway, or what?

6:12-- Ladies and gentlemen, the train will be leaving at 6:20.

6:22-- Make that 6:25.

6:28-- Train leaves. I still have an elbow in my temple.

7:23-- Train arrives in Le Mans. I sprint to the tramway but this is a wasted effort, as the next one doesn't arrive for nine minutes.

7:27-- I. Am. Freezing.

7:34-- In the tram.

7:40-- Off the tram. Dash across the square and a block down to my bus stop, hoping hoping hoping that the bus will come soon.

7:42-- The bus came at 7:35. The next bus is at 8:06.

7:45-- I. Am. Freezing.

7:50-- I'm going to walk up and down the street for a while, because I can't feel my legs anymore.

7:56-- Stupid cathedral projections. They really annoy me.

7:58-- I eat some M&Ms. One falls on the ground and it looks so sad and abandoned that I pick it up and throw it away. I toss in another M&M so the first one won't be lonely. I am officially delirious from cold.

8:00-- Christmas lights go off. Cathedral is dark. Man, this place sucks.

8:04-- The bus comes early! I get on the bus! It's WARM! There's only one other passenger.

8:05-- Next stop, the other passenger gets off and I laugh because I have a private bus now. Then the driver gets off and I stop laughing. This happens from time to time-- shift change-- but they never say anything or explain, they just get off the bus, which is still running, and leave the doors open.

8:06-- I am alone on the bus.

8:07-- What would they do if I just got behind the wheel and drove myself home?

8:08-- Bad idea. I'm leaving Thursday, I don't need that complicated by jail time.

8:09-- There's a man standing in the middle of the street. He gets on the bus and sits in the driver's seat. I hope this means that he's the bus driver and not, you know, a random nutjob.

8:10-- I am alone on the bus with a random driver who has cranked up the radio. The song's title translates as "Crazy crazy crazy." He's using the fingers of his right hand to tap out the rhythm on his change tray, and he's staring at me in the rearview mirror. Shouldn't he be watching the road? What about ten-o'clock-two-o'clock?

8:13-- It's really weird being the only person on the bus. What would I do if he just ignored me and kept driving? Could I bust out a window and escape?

8:14-- I am off the bus. Finally. I cross the road and it is literally empty-- not even a cat. You'd think it's was three in the morning. I am so cold that the motion sensors do not even recognize my presence, and even while jumping up and down in front of the door, the lights don't come on. I have to illuminate my iPod to find the keyhole.

8:16-- In the door. Home at last, a mere four hours after I started out. Ain't life grand?